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Fall is a melancholy time of year...

Or so it usually seems to me. The smells of fall, the season changing to winter.

So when I am presented with something about which I can easily be melancholy, it sticks more than it might otherwise.

And so, I have a sad. A sad for a friend lost, not to reasons between us, but to jealousy and fear and anger. One on hand, I don't understand staying with someone when the major reason is, or at least has been, because you don't want to hurt or abandon the other person. On the other hand... I know that were it not for being really bad at settling for things, that is a trap I nearly got caught in. Second person I dated, believed firmly that sex meant marriage and commitment. Asked if I really knew what I was agreeing to when we were both _quite_ worked up. Of course I said I did. And, unfortunately, I _did_. But, well, hormones and yay slippery bits were why I agreed. Not because we fit well together, nor because I was particularly in love with him.

But I am one who _really_ doesn't settle well. And when I became miserable - both because I was a poly person trying desperately to be monogamous (in part because I didn't know poly was an option), and because, as I said above, I wasn't really in love with him - well. I _couldn't_ keep that promise. Not and survive. Even though I knew at gut level that it wasn't a reasonable promise, I still knew I'd made it, both implicitly and explicitly (when he asked, and I said I knew what I was doing). He was one of those 'desperately need physical contact' type relationships I got into when I was younger. So, eventually, with great difficulty, I managed to leave him (and go off to UNH; combining those made it easier).

But if I _didn't_ have that aspect of myself? I probably would have tried to make it work. And been quietly miserable until either it exploded on us, or one or the other of us died. I was _so damned young_, you know? I barely knew about bisexuality at that point, and had no clue about poly. And I'd promised. Or at least I believed that I did. And that you don't break your promises.

So yes. I have my sad. Sad because I lost a friend for reasons not our own. Sad because it seems like said friend is in a life of quiet desperation. Sad because... even if said friend were suddenly able to be a friend with me again, without the strings attached that would be true now... I would simultaneously welcome it and be very wary. If someone is willing to give up a close friendship once, where is the certainty it won't happen again?

But. I wish I could talk about school and garden and metahacker and jasra and NSPy and... and well, the fabulous life that I have now. But any conversations had would not only be between the two of us. While on one hand I understand not keeping secrets from a partner, on the other hand, it is not possible for me to have any sort of in depth one-on-one conversation if I know that someone else is listening in (technically, reading, but whatever). Especially not if that someone is jealous and prone to making unpleasant assumptions.

So. By writing this I remind myself of why, no matter how much I _want_ to have even a tiny bit of contact (garden pictures! Frogs! Fish!), it hurts me too much to try to do that. I tried that for far too long. Nothing, though saddening, is all that I can healthily do.

And so, I am sad.


( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 17th, 2013 11:55 pm (UTC)
[x] I read this, and am thinking about it with compassion for you and your once-friend.
Sep. 18th, 2013 02:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
Sep. 18th, 2013 12:52 am (UTC)
I am sorry you are sad, and I offer hugs.
Sep. 18th, 2013 02:08 pm (UTC)
Thanks, sweetheart. *hug*
Sep. 18th, 2013 01:14 am (UTC)
Listening. Not much else to say, but sometimes that helps. *hug*
Sep. 18th, 2013 02:08 pm (UTC)
It does help, yes. *hug*
Sep. 18th, 2013 02:08 am (UTC)
Sep. 18th, 2013 05:04 pm (UTC)
*hugs* That sounds like a not-good situation at all.
Sep. 19th, 2013 09:11 pm (UTC)
Sometimes the best option still really stinks. :(
Sep. 19th, 2013 09:24 pm (UTC)
You most definitely speak the truth...
Sep. 24th, 2013 03:46 pm (UTC)
This sounds sad and painful. Sometimes the best choices hurt and that sucks.

I have a lot of feelings reading this because it sounds so familiar. I have been through quietly settling and being quietly miserable until it exploded. It's a terrible balance between avoiding hurting someone vs choosing the best (painful) option; between fearing i've stayed too long vs fearing that i'm leaving too early.

I've also been through ending a rship where the two on their side had such awful boundaries such that I was unable to stay and remain sane. I still mourn that loss, even knowing that it was the best path forward for me. I'm glad and sad that you are able to see the right path for you in this, even though it is the painful one.

Hugs and sympathies and hope that the memories you cling to can be the good ones.

Sep. 30th, 2013 05:38 pm (UTC)
I haven't had words to reply to this with. Thank you for your lengthy reply, as it was definitely appreciated. *hug*
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )


pelted, Asanii, haikujaguar
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