The Color Red.

(If I am asked to select a single organization to which I will most often donate, Heifer is it)

The Joy of Movement, haikujaguar

This reminds me of last week when a nasty headache meant that I was navigating the house with a blindfold on. For places that I know well, and with a minimum of clutter, this is actually not all that difficult for me to do. I was able with minimal concern to navigate to a place that I could sit (where I do my lightboxing, where basically no one else sits. So I know where things are and are not going to be, and can rely on it) and eat the food that galaneia kindly provided for me (it's difficult to obtain food when I cannot see!).

And at some level, I _need_ to be able to do this. I suspect that this is why I have so much trouble if my surroundings are too cluttered. For an example, if I'm too depressed/busy to keep my room tidy, I get _stressed_ about it. This eventually causes me to find energy/time to clean up, due to sheer desperation.

I think part of it is that my uncorrected vision is terrible. So at night, I am largely blind-navigating. Not completely. Not to the degree of an actual blindfold. But largely. Especially since turning on a light wakes me up too much.

I think part may be that I'm a bit clumsy. I've got a lot of self-correction built in, but it requires that there be space to correct _in_. So clutter on surfaces that I'm trying to work on, around places I'm trying to move in, is _much_ higher effort for me to be comfortable in. And I will tend to knock things over and fall more often.

I think this is a lot of why I'm a bit neurotic about having places that I will need to use reasonably clear and tidy. The world is very difficult for me to cope with if my immediate surroundings are too crowded, whether by too much furniture, too much stuff, or too much clutter. Indeed, my room is a little uncomfortable with the amount of stuff in it right now, and this is not including the fact that I just unpacked my travel books and so they are taking up space (need to fix this tonight). It's tolerable, but it does make the fact that I'm fitting a bed, a desk, and two bookcases into space that isn't really that big... noticeable. I wonder if it's not that I necessarily need to have my computer in a different room from my bed, so much as just being able to have more separation between the two. Not really sure; my last few places included an office/guest room, and before that was college where you don't really get much space.

Random thoughts sparked by what is itself a very interesting post.

I have an essay with edits to review, which needs fewer words than it has and I would like to submit with the application next week before Thanksgiving. I also have a lot of tired. An awful lot.

As an example of the tired, it's taken me until today to actually get around to mentioning that metahacker and I have been dating 2 years last Sunday. And I've been living with him, galaneia, and hfcougar for 7 months.

It feels longer, it feels shorter, it feels not long enough. We're learning how to share living space, to remember to check in and see how things are, both of us, the three of us, the whole household. I keep being perplexed that I did not know him, or him and galaneia, or galaneia when past occurrences are referenced. I am startled when I see and fail to recognize pictures of him with beard, and only figure it out because galaneia is in the picture as well.

It bemuses me when I take a look at that part of me which is no good at settling, which needs things to be not just good enough, but _good_, and it's calm. I don't know what to do with that, really, and one some level it kind of scares me. I'm not used to it being quiet when it's not only because I'm too depressed to hear it. But I don't think that is why. I still want to travel, _ache_ to travel, and explore. I'm just not being driven to find where I fit anymore.

There's absolutely stutters and complications around getting to know people and figuring out living space and such. There's periodic reminders where I remember that I _haven't_ known either metahacker or galaneia that long, and need to add in new information to adjust my default expectations & behaviors appropriately. And we do all periodically step on each other's tomato patches [1] (often at the same time) and need to recover from that. This is part of being human, really. And living together and being close and caring about people.

I don't have enough words to put around and with how, why, and how much I love metahacker. Nor how much of a delight it is to continue to get to know galaneia better and to count her among my close friends. All I can say is that both statements are true, and important.

[1] From alt.polyamory, a phrase I like much better than stepping in people's mental mine fields. This is probably a decent sample of why I find it a useful metaphor.

I very much agree with this message, and would go if I lived in NYC.

(from an email list I'm on)

We'll be gathering at Seventh Avenue and 57th Street, 154 West 57th Street in New York City from 6 PM to 8 PM to hold up signs and hand out flyers to Autism Speaks sponsors going in to their New York City concert with Bruce Springsteen and Jerry Seinfeld. Come join us! Please RSVP to aneeman@autisticadvocacy.org or go to the facebook event page here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?invites&eid=205191180125

Please distribute to your friends, contacts and listservs!

WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?

1. Autism Speaks talks about us without us. Not a single Autistic person is on Autism Speaks' Board of Directors or in their leadership. Autism Speaks is one of an increasingly few number of major disability advocacy organizations that refuse to include any individual with the disability they purport to serve on their board of directors or at any point in their leadership and decision-making processes. In large part due to Autism Speaks’ public relations strategy of presenting Autistic people as silent burdens on society rather than human beings with thoughts, feelings and opinions.

2. They use fear and stigma to try and raise money off the backs of our people. Autism Speaks uses damaging and offensive fundraising tactics which rely on fear, stereotypes and devaluing the lives of people on the autism spectrum. Autism Speaks' advertising claims that Autistic people are stolen from our own bodies. Its television Public Service Announcements compare having a child on the autism spectrum to having a child caught in a fatal car accident or struck by lightning. In fact, the idea of autism as a fate worse than death is a frequent theme in their fundraising and awareness efforts, going back to their “Autism Every Day” film in 2005. Indeed, throughout Autism Speaks’ fundraising is a consistent and unfortunate theme of fear, pity and prejudice, presenting Autistic adults and children not as full human beings but as burdens on society that must be eliminated as soon as possible.

3. Very little money donated to Autism Speaks goes toward helping Autistic people and families: According to their 2008 annual report, only 4% of Autism Speaks’ budget goes towards the “Family Service” grants that are the organization’s means of funding services. Given the huge sums of money Autism Speaks raises from local communities as compared to the miniscule sums it gives back, it is not an exaggeration to say that Autism Speaks is a tremendous drain on the ability of communities to fund autism service-provision and education initiatives Furthermore, while the bulk of Autism Speaks’ budget (65%) goes toward genetic and biomedical research, only a small minority of Autism Speaks’ research budget goes towards research oriented around improving services, supports, treatments and educational methodologies, with most funding going towards basic research oriented around causation and genetic research, including the prospect of prenatal testing. Although Autism Speaks has not prioritized services with a practical impact for families and individuals in its budget, its rates of executive pay are the highest in the autism world, with annual salaries as high as $600,000 a year.

Link to our Joint Letter Against Autism Speaks, signed by over 60 Disability Rights Groups: http://www.autisticadvocacy.org/modules/smartsection/item.php?itemid=61
( signature cut for politeness )

Did you know that the two migraine preventative meds that my PCP first thinks of are, respectively, an anti-depressant and a depressant? This is less than useful when I'm already _on_ an anti-depressant! She will do additional investigation to find something for me.

Potassium levels _very slightly_ high.

"Good" cholesterol is high, thereby increasing my overall cholesterol. "Bad" cholesterol is only very slightly high, though. (this is as per normal for my family, so I'm glad that I didn't have to ask her to look at that rather than assuming that high cholesterol was automatically bad)

I have no idea if my slight increase in anti-depressant meds is helping. I suspect that it is, though. I don't feel much worse than a month ago, and I normally would be, I think. However, I suspect that my psychiatrist'll want to increase it more, since not being depressed at _all_ would be good (if annoyingly variable a medication dose depending on season!).

My head hurts. And I'm so tired of being congested every winter. On the plus side, it's not the near constant weird migraine of mine. Just often, instead of always. And still always true when I'm lying down (as is a dizzy side-effect when I lie down or get up). Mrf. (sleeping with a nasty headache is difficult, I note)

Tired. Approaching first school application deadline at the beginning of next month. And then there's three due in early and mid January. And then one in March (go figure). I may be slightly insane in December, due to those three in January.

I keep having to pester my former boss to finish my school recommendations. He claims this week. We'll see.

My self-contained shrimpies have died. Is sad.

I have apple pie. It will be my mid-afternoon snack. (nom nom nom!)

Both via haikujaguar:

The Right to be Wrong

Taxonomy of Aliens

The concept of Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? and a blog post about the concept.

Via moominmolly, Silly art - really, go take a look. :)

This post has been percolating for a while, largely because winter is making itself known in my mood.

( and so I contemplate )

Because the rest of you might be able to answer, even though I mostly could not. My mom was wondering if there was an article that could be given to high school teachers explaining the needs of a gifted high school student who also has Asperger’s.

I found more than nothing, but nothing exactly that. This surprised me, a bit. So I thought I'd see if y'all could find anything!

(I suspect that while I could probably write something, it's not quite what she wanted, and my writing brain needs to be used for essays!)

If you have icons which are labelled the same as moods, and you choose a mood, it'll grab that icon (presumably if you specify one, it will not).

I haven't yet checked if this is true if you write in your own mood corresponding to an icon (this post is also checking that), but neat!

Via the_xtina: Rich-People Money vs Poor-People Money: A Primer

From elsejournal.

http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/

This was startlingly difficult to read. I do forget how constantly I expect strangers, especially men, to talk to me. No matter what I'm doing. I forget that I'm constantly aware of how dangerous my surroundings - including the people in it - appear to be.

Very good article.

[edit: for added fun, throw in that I'm largely face blind - so even people that I _know_ will initially parse as strangers - and that have significant trouble reading body language]

haijujaguar asks an interesting question about Alienating Your Audience, Social-Networking Style. My summarizing ability isn't up to summarizing this, though. Sorry!

At times, my reaction to things is surprising and unexpected.

I was not surprised to have some discomfort at many of the various items in the North America Native American sections of the Peabody museum at Harvard. For much the same reason that I was unhappy at the term 'acquired' to describe how the items got there, that I suspect that most of what is there was taken from the people to whom they belonged, quite possibly involving their deaths.

I mean, I'm glad we went, and that metahacker thought of and suggested it. I'm glad that it exists and that there were things which had been returned to the appropriate people according to signs put in their place. I'm glad that they try to work with the people who are affected. But at the same time... uncomfortable.

My reaction to the room in which there were spiritual masks on display, though, _did_ surprise me. It was Not Okay. Very strongly Not Okay to have those on display, so public, so not what they were made for, used for, meant for. I don't know where their home is, to whom they should go, nor even if there is anywhere they should go. But that was quite strongly Not Right.

Sometimes I forget that I am sensitive to such things. (and when I'm not _in the moment_, sometimes I try to convince myself that I imagined it, or was reacting to distress that I expected to be there. Of course, if that were the case, I'd expect to react more strongly to the clothing...)

Confusing conversation causes questions!

What is an open relationship?

Is it the same as or different than being in a polyamorous relationship? Subset? Superset? Entirely unrelated?

(I was under the impression that it is another term for a polyamorous relationship, but now I'm just confused. :)

As many others on my f-list have reminded me, it's National Coming Out Day today. [edit: was yesterday!]

I tend to fail miserably at being not Out, so the probability of anyone reading this _not_ knowing the ways in which I could need to come out is low. Nonetheless, I shall explain.

It was not until I was pointed to a bisexual women's email list in college that I first really comprehended what bisexuality meant. Until that point, the concept that there were other options besides gay and straight simply did not exist in my worldview. Considering that for as long as I have been attracted to anyone, I have been attracted to both men and women - although I did not realize what was going on with the women for the longest time - you might begin to imagine the confusion and distress this fact caused. I thought I had to choose. Except that I _couldn't_. I tried being straight, I tried being gay. Neither one fit at all well; falling off at inopportune times, constricting, and just plain Wrong.

And although it was true that I was acting polyamorous at various points in my life (I had a couple of guys suggest dating them both when I could not decide, quite early in my dating life), I thought I had to choose there, too. And, as with trying to be monosexual, I kept failing. I would get antsy and unhappy after about a year, even in cases where there was not anyone else that I was interested in. It's not really dating multiple people that is the important part, although it's important. It's that I don't have to pretend that I'm not interested in/fascinated by other people. It's that I can talk about it, and if there is mutual interest and compatibility, it's a feasible option. Just as I'm bisexual regardless of the gender(s) of the people who I am or am not dating, I'm poly when I'm not dating anyone and when I'm dating one person, as well as when I'm dating more than one person. As with bisexuality, it was an online medium in which I first really understood the concept and could make it my own; in this case, a newsgroup.

I love and am attracted to men, I love and am attracted to women. Personality matters the most, but perhaps unlike some bisexuals, I will also miss physical intimacy with women when I am not dating any. I suspect the same is true with men if I were not dating them while I was dating women, but my relationships with women have not... tended to be long lasting ones. I do also seem to have a certain amount of cyclic gender desires which may make me notice the lack of one or the other more strongly (I do realize that there are more than two genders; since the physical characteristics of the person is what matters to me after personality, I'm not really entirely sure how that ties into my attraction patterns. Perhaps especially since I tend strongly toward some degree of androgyny in my physical attractions).

I love and am attracted to multiple people at the same time. I get very unhappy if I try to behave in ways that do not take this fact into account, and have not even tried in 7 years. I do not ever intend to get into any relationships that would only work in that manner, even were there not existing relationships to make that impossible. It is not part of who I am to be monogamous.

It's a little strange to be singing "Urge For Going", and realize that this is the first time I've sung it since I was definitely not going somewhere else. And the reason for this was sitting beside me at the time, so I grabbed his hand kind of abruptly.

I feel a bit like I did in the post where I was originally processing the lack of intention to change my living locations. A little less intensely, a little less immediate. But similar.

I did not choose the place, exactly. But I choose the people. And they define home, far more than a place. _This_ is home. You are home. And you. And many others.

Still, I am wistful. And I idly wonder what could have been. There is always a could have been, though. And what is is very, very good.


Time off between work and school will definitely help with the wanderlust part, even if not the living somewhere else part. (Florida! Southwestern US!)


Also, I haven't been to Psinging in _far_ too long.

Artists need to make a living, too. (my paraphrase) Via haikujaguar.

I try very hard to remember to give money to those artists I read (usually, read) when I like what they do. Partly, this is to encourage them to continue, partly this is because I make a decent wage and _can_ (although returning to school will make this not true very soon, and I really need to remember to start scaling back my donations to people and causes!), and partly because being able to survive is a goodness. I note that I am _far_ more likely to pay money for something when I know it's going to a person and not a company (so I will look for used books/use paperbackswap/libraries, but will actively try to pay for PDFs).

I definitely appreciate those artists who I follow online (most often how I follow them) who include a paypal link with everything they do, and periodically remind people to give. It's not, to me, pestering; it's reminding because I may or may not think of it otherwise.

Crested Gecko or Leopard Gecko?

(gecko, gecko, gecko, gecko)

I have not enough brain or words to write about my own bisexuality for Bisexuality Day, but mactavish talks about hers.

I, too, know the experience of thinking I had to choose, because I did not know that bisexuality actually existed. (much like trying to be monogamous, I failed miserably at trying to be straight or gay)

Natural - haikujaguar talks about family & childraising. As usual with her posts, _do_ read the comments.

A librarian responds to a patron's concerns and desire for censuring a book.

Via my word of the day thing, for banned books week.

... is that I know exactly what I'm seeing when I see it.

And just how much I can't do about it.

I listen, though.

I can do that, to an extent. But only to an extent, this being why I'm _not_ going into any sort of therapy career.

I just... mrr. I don't know. It's hard to watch. It's harder to pretend I don't see, so I don't go that route.

I see you. I hear you. I listen.

I'm sorry.

It's sunny out!

It was gorgeous out on Sunday when metahacker and I went for foods and walking and camera shopping in Harvard Sq.

I'm employed, with no concern about my company laying people off.

I have money saved up for returning to school.

jasra has a wonderful job!

metahacker and galaneia going on vacation.

I have the best rainbow-colored shoelaces _ever_.

Purry kitty who knows how to use his cat door, and comes to sit with me when I use the light box.

Kisses and cuddles and chatting with metahacker before sleep. (this living together thing is a goodness)

Because I've been explaining this a lot lately...

( How _do_ you explain the lack of something? )

readers_list, Field of Dreams.

NSPy to us:

"why do you keep pushing me through a solid object? That I can go through. But it's a closed door! I can't go through that closed window; I understand that I can't go through closed windows! Except this one sometimes. I am so confused! Mew!"

also known as trying to teach him to use the (indoor) cat door. Poor confused kitty...

I require that there be fewer chores!

Taking until 7:30p to be able to start studying for GRE on a day I worked from home is just absurd. (but my laundry is clean and put away, the dishes are done, the litterbox is cleaned, and I had dinner courtesy of galaneia)

... and yet I do in fact sometimes find very food reasons to need to say "all y'all".

(emphasis, mostly. "No, I don't mean 'you singular'". And "y'all" had not enough emphasis. How _does_ one quote the word "y'all" inside of existing double quotes?)

GRE prep makes me feel like I got stupid in my 8 years since I was in school.

I know part of it is that I'm simply out of practice at things which involve remembering various little tricks to do math problems faster, so I'm working on that.

Part may be due to the GREs actually getting harder. I would prefer to think that than that I got stupider, although the fact that I am certainly not as good at sleeping as I was may, in fact, mean that I am. Alertness and such being _quite_ important, and all. (since one of the worst effects I had the first time I had serious seasonal affective disorder was not being able to do division...)

I took them in 2000; my scores on the practice tests, the one I actually graded, were about 100 points lower in both math and verbal.

Yeah. So weird.

Can has toy?

The smell of fall always makes part of my brain _sure_ that I'm going to go to school soon. Even though I've been out of school for 8 years now.

Silly brain!

(there's also a certain amount of 'aah! Winter is soon! Aaah!' in there, too)

At least one of the fellowship forms wants to know what scholarships and grants I have had in the past.

That's... not something I've kept track of, and I have _no_ idea how I would figure this out!

My most recent school had the info when I called their financial aid office (I hadn't even heard of all of them, so there's no way I could have come up with that list even had I kept all records). The previous one, I left a message. The previous one to _that_ only keeps records for three years. And... FASFA people cannot find that out.

(from the_xtina)

http://granades.com/2008/05/21/lolcat-wedding-ceremony/

From the intersection of 495 & 3 to exit 32 in westford should not take 55 minutes. Not at work yet, and it's already tripled my normal commute length. Sheesh! Hey, at least my hair has dried from post swim shower.

Wish i knew what's making my commute so bad, though, since I'm still in stop & go and off the highway.

[edited to add: Co-worker sent mail to say that there are multiple accidents on 495N & 495S and 110 has a bus stuck coming out of the Mobil gas station parking lot blocking traffic.]

Realizing that I might be able to get a recommendation from a professor from undergrad who knows me decently well, rather than one from someone who doesn't really know me well, so I actually have two decent academic recommendations. And, when I pinged the professor, being remembered without prompting. (Yes, I sometimes forget that I'm memorable. Being poor at remembering people doesn't help, mind you)

Working on essays for grad school is startlingly easy, for the most part. (less so the parts where I feel like I do not know enough, but that's something that can be worked on.) I do sometimes forget that, while I don't really write stories, I am a decent writer. At least on a computer (I lose track of what I'm saying if it's on paper)

I may not yet be at a point where I'm adjusted to my sleep ability without ativan, but I am at least no longer getting up every hour or two during the night. (once or twice is much better than every hour or two!)

When I remember to take it, migraine meds _work_. (now we just need to make sure that I don't get addicted to the caffeine in them, since until I sleep better I need them every morning)

Hugs. Also, hugs.

Continuing to see jasra regularly.

Living with metahacker.

Living with galaneia.

Making tasty stir-fry with galaneia's help.

The sheer glee with which hfcougar reacts to NSPy's antics. Glee!

Kitty!

OMG, Cataclysm.

Inspiring starandrea.

Mrow.

Mrow!

Mrow.

Prrrrow!

What if fireflies only look like bugs when you get really close because they don't want you to know that they are fairies with glowsticks?

Or if the ghost plant really _is_ where fairies dance, and they light up oh so slightly when you aren't looking?

Maybe the wind and everything it moves - leaves, clouds, birds - are playing, dancing, putting on a show. How do you know they aren't?

Maybe rivers are talking to you as they rush past and yet stay where they are, or singing, or laughing. Maybe they're tickling the creatures which live in them, seeing if they can make them giggle.

Sometimes I need to be reminded to play, to stop being so stuck in what's likely or realistic or expected, to enjoy swingsets and trees and clouds and wind. Sometimes 'let's pretend' is the most important game I can play, no matter what I call it.

I've never been sure if it matters if energy work, astral travel, things like that are real or not, if they are useful tools or ways of thinking about things. If they have good effects, if they calm me.

I ground, I center. Why? Because if I don't, I lose my calm and can't get it back again.

Sometimes I wander around the insides of my mind, or maybe the insides of the astral plane. I don't care if it's real or not, although that was a very difficult thing to come to agreement with myself on, because it _helps_ me. Maybe it's a form of meditation, although that's not what I would call it.

As a child, I would sing to the creek in the backyard, because it was singing, too. I can remember long duets, although I remember no notes nor words. I still talk to and hug trees, and when I forget how to ground, they can help me to do so. Birds in flight, especially swallows and swifts, look like they are having so much _fun_, even though they are also hunting for their food. And maybe they are.

Silence and stillness help me to see what's around me, rather than just moving quickly through it. I'm no longer passing through, I'm part of things, and that's important to me. It's far too easy to forget to look, forget to listen, forget why it's so important to me to do so. And then I'm unhappy and I don't know why. I think this may be why I am so insistent on sharing bits of beauty and amusement with people when I notice them. Because I forget to look, so other people likely do, too.

This entry most probably brought to you by some combination of creating a Changeling character and attempting to start work on grad school essays. Also perhaps a certain amount of lack of sleep.